


Growth and Choices

by maikrilya



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: A little Fjord POV, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, Episode 118 spoilers, F/M, Fjorester, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Jester main, No Beta, POV Jester Lavorre, Snippet, Spoilers, like the tiniest smidgen of angst, mostly good feels and a whole lotta fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:19:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27882121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maikrilya/pseuds/maikrilya
Summary: As Jester gets ready for bed, she tries to deal with the events of the day, until a knock at the door and a surprise visit from our favorite green boy turns the whole night around.Exploration of thoughts and feelings for the scene from Campaign 2 Episode 118. Spoilers ahead.
Relationships: Fjord/Jester Lavorre
Comments: 17
Kudos: 95





	Growth and Choices

She feels at her horns, pokes at her cheeks, and vocalizes at different octaves to understand what changed. What was taken from her, what did she give? Did the price match the gift?

She knows how everyone sees her. She didn’t lie to Beau when she said she was a really good liar. That may have been one of the most honest truths she’s told. And she wants to be bright, she yearns to be good to the little family they’ve all created, so she needs to bury this hurt for them. Don’t let them know - how scared she really is, years of her life just stolen from her. Despite her exuberant character, truly, she had been forced to grow up terrifyingly fast. Otherwise, how else could she understand how her Mama could love her so dearly and at the same time hide her away from the world? Seemingly two opposing concepts, but Jester understands. She always has.

And here again, she has been forced to grow up. She has been aged against her will. Lost some of that youth that she wields like a weapon, as a mask. The terrifying ancient statues kept her captive, and her quick wits and charm could not help her escape. She was forced to confront a deal she couldn’t turn on its head. So the question had to be worthwhile. Even though she did not know what the price would be, she needed to make sure the knowledge she would gain would unequivocally help them. And it did. It will. She knows this in her bones. She is more sure than ever before that the Nein have to stop Lucien.

In her room in the tower, she slowly prepares for bed. Takes off her winter overcoat and sets down Sprinkle. Honestly, she can barely feel a difference in this new body. It moves the same. Hmf, she didn’t get to grow any taller, that’s a shame. She glances down at her chest as well to see if there’s any difference. Maybe some change and -- no, let’s not be vain, she reminds herself in the privacy of her own head. Recognize that it hurts. It hurts that she couldn’t be there for her body to go through these changes. That she couldn’t be the one to have to buy new clothes to fit her figure, or get new jewelry to adorn her horns as they lengthened. It hurts.

Jester sniffles a little, as the pain arises in her chest again. It feels like a heavy blanket weighing her down and making it hard to breathe. She closes her eyes and tries to take deep breaths.

_Knock knock knock_

Her head perks up at the sound of the knocking. She takes a breath to calm her nerves, to help the pain flow away. She gets up from the edge of her bed and opens the door to the sight of Fjord.

As she looks up at him and takes in his expression, she notices the turned up brows and the creases around his eyes. His tusks stick out of his bottom lip, finally having grown in after the months together on the road. He looks concerned and worried. She notices him fumble with his fingers behind his back, as he stands to attention in her doorway. The winter cloak and fur give him a sense of greater confidence and stature. But she will always remember the unsure man she met in the Menagerie Coast. How much he’s grown.

As he talks of his worries, his fears, and most importantly his care, she wonders what it would have been like to receive these words, one, two months into their journey. When she looked at him and saw a strong protective man of mystery and tragedy. And she had truly been just a young girl out in the world, experiencing it all for the first time. It was so easy to fall for Fjord. To be drawn into his story and _want_ to be swept away in all of it, like the romance novels she read, or the fanciful (and heavily edited) stories her Mama would tell her about her many clients. How she wished to fall into his arms. Looking back now, she sees that he shied away from it. He was never quite comfortable with her attention.

But also he was so gentle. Despite his discomfort, and his secrets, he looked out for her and she grew to understand that love, real deep love that takes work and effort, is not just the lustful romantic love she found in those novels. It's watching each other’s backs in battle, patching each other up around a campfire, making space for one another. Seeing each other’s flaws, broken pieces, unspoken pasts, and saying, _this - this is worth fighting for and living for. And I choose you like you have chosen me._ That is the kind of family they have created together.

She can’t stop the soft smile that graces her lips as she looks up at him. She feels warm at the realization that he came seeking her. He was always so scared of talking to others alone, her especially. She enjoys making him uncomfortable, it's really quite cute to see his stutters and blushing. But here, he meets her eyes with confidence, sharing freely his thoughts and feelings. It's more than she could ever have imagined, truly.

“Is it because of my chiseled cheeks?” Jester jokingly asks. But a smaller part of her is begging, _please don’t let this be because I am older now, because of what I look like._

Fjord gives her a soft smile. And an understanding crosses his mind. This is Jester, who he has seen take on dragons, hags, and fake gods. More than anything, she has always been capable and a force to be reckoned with. It's what draws him in. He craves the danger. The open sea, the adventure, and the blue tiefling in front of him. Like a moth drawn to flame, he’s eager to be burned for the sweet sensation of fire coursing through him.

“It's the horns, they make you more intimidating.” _No_ , he thinks, _it's not what you look like now or what you looked like then. It's how much you scare me and how I want to be scared by you. But never **for** you. Time is too short for me to be scared of potential._

So he pulls her in.

And pauses.

“May I kiss you?” he whispers in the space between them, his yellow eyes gently meeting hers. She feels his arms wrapped around her lower back, firm and strong, but she doesn't feel trapped. Fjord, more than anyone, understands the need to be free. To have a choice in your story. She looks up at him and sees a man who has been trapped and beaten and dragged by forces beyond his control, and who has stood in the face of all of that and demanded his freedom. He will always ensure she has the same freedom.

All she can do is nod.

He keeps his eyes on her as he leans further in and right before his lips touch hers, they both close their eyes. Her heart feels so close to bursting, her hands gripping the lapels of his coat. She feels the tickle of his bear against her nose and chin, and the indent of his tusks against her lips.

The kiss feels both brief and like it went on for ages. Fjord pulls back and she sees the darker green dusting his cheekbones. She’s overheating in his arms as the giggle escapes her.

“Kissing is way better when I’m not dying!” Jester reflects back to her first kiss with the same man. She remembers her confusion, her feelings of inferiority on the sea, how convoluted it all was. This is so different. They’re different. It was worth the wait.

Fjord’s eyes light up in recognition, “Oh right, or not underwater and drowning!” He remembers the fear of seeing her go down in the murky depths. All he could think to do was sacrifice his air for her. An act of desperation like that one, really sucks all the romance out of what was Jester’s first kiss. As he looks down at her mirthful smile he thinks, _you deserve all the romance, all the good things, everything I can give to you, I will give it wholeheartedly._

The two shuffle apart a bit, Jester’s blue (chiseled now, of course, as she will remind everyone) cheeks darkening even more as she continues to smile up at Fjord.

“I’ve wanted to do that for a while now…,” Fjord says quietly.

She hears the unspoken answer to her earlier plea. The kiss is not because of the ritual earlier today, though that very well may have prompted him to show up tonight at her door after telling her he was going to wait just a few days earlier. Fjord has been watching her, waiting for her, and caring for her longer than he let on. His charismatic front constantly hides what he thinks and feels, and she feels privileged to see his heart laid bare in front of her. He has served himself on a platter at her doorstep, and she yearns to take it all in.

Their conversation dwindles down, and with one last look at her full of hope, and dare she say it, love, he steps back and walks to his own room. She watches his back as he walks away from her. He walks straighter, with less weight on his shoulders dragging him down. She has watched him grow just as he has stood by her as she grew. The two outcasts from the Menagerie Coast, who unwittingly found each other, have learned more about love, family, and sacrifice in their year together than a lifetime apart.

As she skips back to her bed in glee, she pulls out the miniature unicorn from the side compartment of her haversack. In bed, among the lush pillows and blankets, she holds up the delicate porcelain figurine, replaying the moment over and over in her head.

She remembers the pain and terror of what happened today. She still feels the fear that her life just got shortened by powers beyond her control, and the horrific weight of the knowledge of what is waiting in the Abyss. The hurt that their old friend is now the villain cuts deep, and that most likely this journey she is on will demand even more sacrifice, from her small family, and definitely from herself.

But as she drifts to sleep, she feels all at once joyful and comforted by the knowledge that there is a half-orc, who has grown with her, who has committed himself to her, and promises to greet the future with her, standing side-by-side in the face of this darkness. His faith in her is like the ocean he so loves and she knows that she can trust him.

Romance novels cannot even compare to the depth of this.

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't stop smiling throughout this whole scene but then all the Jester angst and feels hit me as I processed what had happened to her and needed to write it out. I busted this fic out in 2 hours at work lmao. I haven't written fanfic is literally 8 years so any comments or criticisms are greatly appreciated, but please be gentle with me! Thank you for reading!!


End file.
